Anthem For No State

I've tried to stop thinking about you. 

The other night a man lavished me with attention--he kissed my neck in such a way that made my entire body quiver and writhe underneath him. It was a new sensation, one that suggested I might possibly be able to have an orgasm without my genitals being involved. As I was embarking on this new discovery into sexual pleasure, you popped into my head like a flash of light. I could see your face. I fantasized it was your lips at the nape of my neck, your soft hands grazing my entire body, your breath on my skin, your eyes focused on mine. 

But it wasn't. It was someone else.

He's nice. He treats me well. He, for whatever reason, has some interest in me. It may be because I haven't put out yet. It's atypical on my part, I'm not one to wait to get down to business. This man is supposed to be a distraction from you, but I'm afraid once I engage in the physical act of sex with him, it will feel like an infidelity. It will confirm you're really gone, that I'm moving on and I'm not ready to come to terms with that.

There's always been this part of me that has second guessed how you really felt about me. My own insecurity has a lot to do with it. How could another man be interested in me, in the things I like, in my life, in my thoughts?

"You must hang out with me out of pity", I would say to myself, "to fulfill a sad girl's fantasy of being interesting and attractive". 

Being with another man has made me realized how much you thought of me, cared about me, quite possibly even loved me. You always gave me your undivided attention, inquisitive about my life. The way you would look at me when we were deep in conversation, mirroring my every movement, studying my body language with fervor. Even if we were out with other people, you would always look at me when answering another person's question, as if my opinion was the only one that mattered. You would remember everything I ever told you, down to the most minute detail, hanging off every word I ever spoke like a grape on a vine. You were always transparent and upfront with me, even if it was something I didn't want to hear. You were guarded, but managed to open up to me in a variety of ways I would have never expected. You were prompt. never one to leave me lingering on the vine in your timely responses to my messages. In group settings, you were never far away from me--always within eye line, in earshot, at arms' reach. 

The one thing that made you different from every other guy? You never tried anything with me. There are guys I've been romantically linked with that respected me, but it always seemed like there was an ulterior motive for their caring actions. As if it was a trade off for the thing between my legs. We never explored going down romance road, but looking back on it that didn't stop your feelings for me. Even your attempt to get close enough to me to merely touch me, to feel my presence, was respectful. It was never overbearing or outright--sitting next to one another with our legs touching or standing so close to one another our arms would be pressed against one another. It was always sweet, innocent yet more exciting than someone actively kissing me while groping my tits. I was never a sex object to you--you genuinely liked me as a human being. I had the capability to captivate you and I don't know why. More likely than not, I don't think anyone will ever feel that way about me. I'm lucky enough to know now that there is someone in the world that thought of me like that, cared about me that much. I can only hope at this point I will be the only person you ever feel that way with.

But nothing has been the same since you have left. 

The air is thicker, as if the atmosphere knows you have left my side. Getting through an average day feels like the heaviness in your legs after taking too much cold medicine--the evenings last much longer than they should with no reprieve in sight except the fatigue of knowing you're no longer here and the restlessness of not knowing when I will ever see you again. Songs that remind me of you, that make my heart expand, and flood with emotion, with tenderness, with love, sink me into a unearthly depression I am unable to get out of. Instead my eyes well, thinking of you, wishing that you would have stayed with me.

This week has been harder than usual. Maybe I should stop listening to the music that reminds me of you, but it's how I keep you alive in my heart. I'm not into the idea of psychic connections or the universe being the sole decider of how relationships or events in life pan out. I'm pragmatic in thought; things are random, they are chaotic and rarely make sense. But this week I got a feeling in my heart that maybe you missed me, too. Maybe these intense feelings I was having was because I was on your brain as much as you have been on mine. Like I could feel your longing, which exacerbated the feelings I have been experiencing. Or maybe I was hormonal, wishing you missed me as much as I miss you. You're not one to get mushy like that, but I'm secretly hoping you'll get drunk enough to text me late at night to unload your feelings about me. 

I have had this fantasy for a while now, but I imagine you and me, in a dark room, where the only source of light is coming from an open window on a crisp Spring night, and we're together. The tension in the poorly lit room, our hearts rapidly beating, unable to control ourselves and the urges that we have long tried to suppress. We can make each other out from the poor light source outside, but just barely. You break down, pin me up against the wall and passionately kiss me--running your fingers through my hair, cradling my face ever so gently. It's a loop that plays in my head constantly.

But it's merely just that--a fantasy that has never happened. A painful wish that will never come true. So I'll keep playing this scenario in my head, in hopes that one day this wishful invention my own brain managed to concoct will become a reality. A sober reality where I can touch you, feel your breath, finally being able to be with you in the way that I want to be with you.