How Deftones' "White Pony" became my Sexual Awakening and Other Nonsense
Deftones at The Observatory in Santa Ana, CA on May 8, 2015. Image taken by Heaven Ramirez,
For the third time in my life last night, I saw Deftones live and each time I watch them live I grow to love them more. They have been my favorite band since I was a misfit 14 year old girl, hanging out in my room, alone, raging angst and hormones galore with a love for aberrant film and anything I could get my hands on to listen to (which meant raiding my older brother's music collection). They resonate deep with me and have been there through my best moments in life and a beautiful distraction during the worst times. The first person I ever fell in love with was because of our deep love for Deftones, and I still look at those days fondly--we remain friends 12 years later and continue to share a deep bond formed through our favorite metal group.
Not too long ago, when I was with friends at Disneyland heading to the Indiana Jones ride, one of my friends mentioned how Harrison Ford played a huge part in her sexual awakening because those are the types of conversations you have at a family friendly theme park. Well at least if you're hanging out with the group of gals I was with, but I digress-- It didn't surprise me too much. I think Harrison Ford helped a lot of young girls and boys realize their sexuality with the Indiana Jones series and Star Wars franchise. It was during that conversation I realized that Deftones' "White Pony" was my awakening.
When I regaled to her that a Deftones album was the start of my sexual awakening, she was surprised. She made a pretty obvious but thoughtful statement--not too many people have an awakening like this through music. I've never done anything by the book, so no shock I would be the odd one out. But "White Pony" is the album that opened the floodgates--this is when I became Tina Belcher in maximum overdrive.
Could you blame an adolescent girl coming to terms with her sexuality while listening to "Passenger"?
Now to calm me
Take me around again
Just don't pull over
This time would you please
Drive faster
The song on its own oozes sex--the breathy vocals, the guitar arrangement, the crescendo and decrescendo of the drums. The lyrics are subtle yet transparent. Sure, the lyrics indicate it's about driving but everyone and their great grandmother knows it's about fucking and passion and love.
But then you also have "Feiticeira" that seems like either a kidnapping by sexy woman or very kinky sex:
She pops the trunk
And she removes me
And a machine that takes pictures of us
An' my jaw and my teeth hurt
I'm choking from gnawing on the ball
The vocal exchange between Rodleen and Chino Moreno on "Knife Party"? It sounds like they're fucking right there and we're all lucky enough to witness it. But if we're getting to the heart of the sensual sounds on this album, it really comes down to the core of the group and any musical group really--the vocalist.
Chino is different from a lot of metal singers: He can scream and growl just as easily as he can hold a melody. Whenever I listen to Deftones, it's easy to imagine him singing to me only. If I close my eyes, I can fantasize his breathy, soft, down to a near whisper singing in my ear, trying to seduce me. And it works every time.
Plus, the man has stage presence. At last night's show he did some weird bouncy, back and forth dance that fathers over the age of 40 do when they're trying to find a beat in the music. I'm sure I've seen my dad do this exact same dance but I found myself horrified and embarrassed when he did it. When Chino did it, it was sexy and demure. It's a trademark move of Chino's when he really gets lost in the music. A big part of his sex appeal at concerts is his capability to control the audience like a puppet master--he can get them to do anything he wants: sing, jump, get the crowd to put their hands up in the air. The sexiest part about the fact that he can control is the fact that he gets pleasure from the control.
When I first discovered the art of masturbation, I would frequently play "White Pony". At the time I was loud and the droning guitars and occasional screaming would mask out the sounds that came from my mouth. The album was sexy for me and it just made sense to play it while I was touching myself. I've always wanted to have actual sex to "White Pony" but have yet to find the right person to do it with. Most of my sexual encounters are just that--encounters. To share something that special, that romantic, that sexual with another person would require me to be in love with that person and in a loving, exclusive relationship. It's just an album but it's album that started my own sexual revolution. To share it with just anyone would be careless on my part.