Finding Pleasure In An Isolation Chamber

Sometimes I go into isolation mode where I don't want to see the world and I don't want the world to see me. It's easy to fall into this effortlessly when your brain tricks you into thinking you're beyond useless, but makes it that much harder to see the truth even if it is staring at you blankly in the face with flashing lights. It's hard to believe anything else because why would your own mind go against you? 

When I find myself in this state, it's hard to find the good in the world. The joys of going through day to day living feels like climbing up ten flights of stairs with twenty pound weights around your feet. I rummage through a darkness, an overwhelming sense of despair where merely getting up in the morning is a chore in itself. Anything that resembles functionality is an accomplishment and any moment where I can fake a smile to project normalcy to the outside world is an achievement. Lying to yourself along with lying to everyone else to exude stability is not desirable, but if it worries less people about my state of mind then I'll adopt the capitalistic ideal of "fake it until you make it". 

In these moments, I am sometimes able to see light enough to where I can climb out of the hole I've dug for myself. When the darkness begins to crack, I am able to re-enter the world again. If it's been a long time since I've joined the living, I am able to remember the simple pleasures that make life sweet.

Like a hug from a friend that reminds you that you are loved--the ones that feel like a bear hug where they squeeze you so hard it picks your entire body up from the ground, assuring you that everything will be okay even if everything is far from okay. It makes you wonder what you did to deserve such a good person in your life while emphasizing how lucky you are that this good person likes you enough to form an everlasting bond with you.

Or when you go to a concert and the band plays your favorite song--the song that you've listened to repeatedly in your dark room when the entire world was asleep, in a moment where you could finally formulate thoughts and feelings without judgment or interruption. The build up in the song that makes your heart swell one million times, causing you to weep because a mere strumming of the guitar gave you fifty different emotions all bundled up into one cathartic experience that will live in your heart for a lifetime.

The subtle touch from the person you've had a crush on for what feels like an eternity but it has only been a year. A slight brush of the arm that gives you butterflies in the pit of your stomach. That gentle touch on your back that sends shivers down your spine, making your entire body quiver as if it's just recovering from an orgasmic shock. Standing so close to that person you can feel their essence emanating from their body that takes control of all your senses, forcing you to catch your breath every ten seconds. The stare that catches you off guard, unnerving yet arousing, signifying they want you as much as you want them. Or standing so close that your arms touch each other but no effort is made by either party to move because the electric jolt you both feel is too real, too pure, too perfect to break the stasis.

Something even as simple as a well-cooked, delicious dish with a cold beer can make an evening special. A man known for traveling the world, sampling delicacies with the locals, enjoying one of life's simplest pleasures succumbed to the pain that lived inside him, making the final decision to forego living. To know the agony he felt, the degree he felt it in where the simple pleasure he loved so much was not enough to keep him around on Earth a little bit longer hurts me on a level that for a long time I was never able to understand. Sometimes what feels like the most logical decision ends up being the most irrational one. Until you've found yourself in such a way where living is much too painful, it's difficult to understand why someone would think it's a logical decision but when your brain lies to you it can make virtually anything sound as rational as brushing your teeth.

I'm still trying to find the simple pleasures to keep my feet on this ground till one day my body gives out. Some days are a little bit more difficult than others, but damn if there is nothing else like it.