Vomit

I threw up for the first time in nearly three years. I drank too much tequila and mixed it with weed. My roommate held my hair back and took care of me as I hung my head in the toilet, feeling as if I were on the verge of death. It wasn’t a vomit session that made me feel better, either. For 24 hours I felt like I was on the precipice of getting sick, waiting for the bile to sneak its way up my throat and make me spew into the toilet. I can still feel the stomach acid burning my esophagus.

I am in love with someone who lives thousands of miles away from me. I have missed him every day since the day he left. The feelings of sadness have not decreased but my wanting for him has spiked. He left eight months ago.

I want this feeling to go away so I can go about my day without constantly thinking about him. I don’t want to dream about him. I like the dreams where he’s by my side, affectionately touching me as if he is as deeply in love with me as I am with him, but I’m lonely when I wake up. I’ll never be with him the way I want to be. I am learning to live with that fact, but a life where I constantly feel nauseous with sorrow as my heart constantly longs to be by his side is no way to live.