The Wine and Not the Label
A few years ago I went to Canada to visit one of my oldest friends in her new home. As she drove me around English Bay to give me the opportunity to take in the beautiful view on a gorgeous April day, along with some pictures with my vintage 35mm camera, we discussed our romantic lives. She was newly engaged with her now husband and I was still reeling from a bad break-up. I asked her about her dating days between her last relationship and her current one when she revealed to me she was bisexual. I threw in a “that’s cool” comment and glad she was able to confide in me as I was considered a person who was on a need-to-know basis. She then told me I was part of the reason why she was comfortable with her sexuality because she had presumed I was bisexual and witnessed my give-no-fucks attitude on the matter.
If there was one record scratch moment in my life, it was at this moment it went off.
She elaborated, stating that my fascination with certain female actresses and a weird make-out session with another close friend of ours gave her the impression I was pretty comfortable with my sexuality and had no hang-ups on who I found attractive. We discussed our high school days further and I realized how much my group of friends and I explored our sexuality with each other, even if it didn’t seem like that was what we were doing. There were lots of late night cuddle sessions, harmless flirting, sneaking into gay clubs, a random day we played strip Go Fish at my house and my mother walked in on us. (Most of us were in our underwear and one of my friends was completely naked). I don’t recall this, but my friends insisted I was trying to explain to my mom what we were doing that made it seem like normal teenage curiosity clad in just a bra (I never spoke to my mother about the incident ever again but I’m sure she had a long conversation about it with my dad the following day). Nearly two decades later, three of us have identified with being queer and one of us has come out as trans non-binary.
As I’ve gotten older, I have explored my sexuality even further. I’ve engaged in threesomes with heterosexual couples and for a two year time period in my 20’s was considered a “unicorn”. I’ve also been with non-binary people. I’ve made out with gay men. I just like hot people.
In the past, I’ve just described myself as “straight-ish” because the only people I’ve been in relationships with have been cishet men. It just seemed appropriate because of my past dating history, chalking up everything in between relationships to simple curiosity and just trying things once. After that conversation though, I’ve been thinking about my sexuality more. Am I straight? Or am I just right in the middle of the Kinsey scale?
A friend of mine recently asked if I was straight last year and for the first time I didn’t know how to answer. My sexuality is something I never felt the need to question nor think about, which feels privileged, but I also never felt the need to define it. I don’t even know how other people view me—I could give off bi vibes, I’m not sure and I don’t feel the need to ask. I don’t discuss my sexuality with a lot of people and the ones who know the intimate details are either very close friends or people I’ve had romantic relationships with. Like my oldest friend, my sexuality was only discussed as a need-to-know basis and even then I don’t give it a label.
Last year I started getting into the show, Schitt’s Creek. One the characters, David Rose (Dan Levy), is pansexual. It is suggested based on his characterization he may be gay until he sleeps with a woman, Stevie (Emily Hampshire), who later becomes his best friend. Stevie is confused since she was under the impression he only liked men. One scene sums up pansexuality in the clearest of terms using different types of wine. Stevie tells David she was under the impression he only liked “red wine”. Going along with the metaphor, he says he likes “ red wine” but he also likes “white wine” and samples the occasional “rose” and at one pointed dated someone who used to be a “chardonnay” but is now a “merlot”. He simply states he “likes the wine, not the label”.
In the past, I have simply based my sexuality off of my relationships not necessarily my attraction to other people. I’ve never had the opportunity to date someone who wasn’t a cishet man, but it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t. I don’t see that changing anytime soon considering the fact I am currently in love with a cishet man. Due to circumstance though, there is no feasible way of that developing into anything other than a pining from afar however stranger things have happened.
Declaring myself as anything other than straight feels like imposter syndrome, and yes, I know simply being in just heterosexual relationships doesn’t necessarily make me heterosexual however I feel no ties to a label, either. I’ve never felt comfortable labeling my sexuality, but if push comes to shove I guess I would call myself pansexual. I don’t feel like this is an out of the closet moment for me, but rather a realization I’ve known about for a long time but just never came to terms with it. Okay, maybe this is an out of the closet thing. I don’t know. Sexuality is so messy and confusing, I just never feel comfortable putting a label on anything, especially regarding my own sexuality.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what type of wine I’m drinking. If I’m drinking wine, I’m drinking it for how it makes me feel, not what it looks like.