The Male Gaze

There is something to be said about the way a man looks at you. No, not the way a random man in the wild ogles you, objectifies you, or otherwise makes you feel icky by simply having the misfortune of being in his eye line. I’m not referring to those looks. I’m talking about a man who you know, respect, and have a fondness for looks at you.

It’s a gaze that is rarely given by the man in question and rarely noticed by the subject in that line of vision. There is vulnerability in that stare. A secrecy shared between the two of you. It’s a look that says, “you’re the only person who exists in this precise moment” coupled with “I want to fuck you so badly right now”.

I wonder if he remembers that Fourth of July day on the beach nearly four years ago now. Sometimes I convince myself he had enough alcohol in his system that he was just staring blankly and I happened to be sitting right across from him to catch the unadulterated look, but I don’t think that was the case. In that moment in time, where we were surrounded by friends and 1,000 other random strangers, he was brave enough to give me the stare that has been imprinted in my memory. How I wish I could tell him how it made me feel. I may have gasped when I caught his line of vision, or at the very least it felt like it did. It literally took my breath away. It also excited me and I couldn’t stop thinking about it for a week.

To be honest, I still can’t stop thinking about it nearly four years later. I wonder if he was consciously aware that he was giving THAT look or if I happened to catch his glances when he least expected it. Or maybe I concocted this in my own head and it didn’t happen the way I remembered it. My brain is convincing myself this as a fabrication to use as a coping mechanism since my heart and instincts are telling me a different story.

I hope one day I’ll see him again. And he’ll give me that look and I’ll have the courage to properly respond.