The Minimalist

Had a weird thought. Not weird, but one of those thoughts where it’s like, “This is why I am the way I am” thoughts.

I spent $30 bucks this weekend on a Jade face roller and that soap bar shampoo (I’m trying to save the environment ayyyy!) and I felt bad because I thought, “I am spending a lot of money on myself on things I don’t need/could find cheaper” but both are self care items that are hardly that expensive. The thought of spending money on myself to care for myself is too much even for me. as if I don’t deserve it. Ever since the pandemic hit, I have been even more frugal not only with my money, but also my time as if my body is a machine of productivity that should be running at all times and any form of a break means I’m not working hard enough. Yes, Capitalism is to blame for a chunk of this line of thinking but I think it goes further than that.

It’s a fear of not being able to be fully independent, to take care of myself if something goes wrong. Like if I get laid off from my job, or a large bill falls into my lap, or something happens where I have to save myself. I don’t want to find myself in a position where I am not prepared for the worst possible outcome. So I forgo lavish purchases or any treats for myself and opt for an extremely minimalist lifestyle. I stay home to save money and give myself more time to put into the podcast so I can be productive in my endeavors. Being poor for most of my life has made me more than aware of what happens when you really find yourself in a hole, but has also given me survival skills to live a minimalist life. But why am I so dependent on saving myself?

I went back to a therapy session I had last year, and my therapist stated my need for control stemmed from having one of the worst things happen to me and no one was there to save me. As a defense mechanism, I now have a hard time letting go of control because I know the only person in this world I can 100% count on is myself because I had to save myself. I can’t afford to let myself fall apart and to be unprepared for the next bad thing to happen. I have to always be on guard to protect myself from bad things because I know no one else will be there to help me.

At the same time, I also feel bad for self-care—spending extra on shampoo or indulging in a skin care product because I feel as if I don’t deserve nice things. I deserve to have as little as possible because what makes me so damn special to where I can occasionally spend something for myself? I am no one special. I am just another human being on this Earth that blends in with the background. I don’t need a Jade face roller, I need a cushy bank account in case the world collapses and I need to make a fast getaway.

My therapist also told me I was very unkind to myself. I’m trying hard to be kinder, but it’s hard when I am either preparing for an impending apocalypse so I can once again be the hero of my own story while not seeing myself as someone worthy of saving.