I overthink. That’s my problem. When I overthink, I land in a rabbit hole of bad thoughts, and those bad thoughts lead down a path of self-loathing. The self-loathing becomes overwhelming and I can’t help but to feel ugly about myself, insecure with my place in the world. I’m getting better at recognizing it, but fuck if it isn’t hard to get out of this cycle. It happens around the same time of year—dead of winter. The weather is colder, it gets dark early, and I’m not outside as much. It’s easy to land in this cycle when you’re stuck in one place, by yourself with your stupid thoughts, ruminating on your own existence.

I push people away when this happens. I think it’s a defense mechanism. It’s when I go into a Mode, and I’m trying to mask my insecurity in a cloak of isolation. I figure it’s better to leave first than to be left—can’t hurt yourself if you’re the one to leave. Sometimes feeling completely untethered to any one thing, person, or responsibilities helps me snap out of this state, and others it just exacerbates it. I never know what I’m doing, but when do I ever know what I’m doing? I hope the people who are close to me understand this is a Me thing, and when I push them away it’s not because I hate them. It’s because I’m trying to escape myself, and when I come to the realization I can’t leave myself, I take it out on the people who care about me.

I wish I wasn’t like this. I wish I could talk about this with another human soul, but how do you explain your own self-loathing to people who actually like you?