I Guess This Must Be The Place

Last week when I saw the Talking Heads concert film, Stop Making Sense, I didn’t expect to get choked up when they played, “This Must Be The Place”. David Byrne sung with one of those standing lamps that was used to illuminate the stage. A simple symbol of home, a place filled with comfort, warmth, love. The epitome of the track itself: Finding that one person you consider home, and always wanting to come home to.

The standing memory I have associated with this track is when [REDACTED] told me he was moving. Crushed isn’t the right word to use in this context because it didn’t properly describe how I felt when I received the news. The news itself forced me to face these feelings I had denied for such a long time. I was heartbroken, and had come to terms with the fact that [REDACTED] was much more than a simple crush. I was no longer dealing with puppy love. It was Love, and I was scared shitless.

For most of the night, I had tried to gain the courage to plead with him to stay. I thought I could be cute, and say something along the lines of, “Let’s start a jazz band together”, or at the very least say, “I am going to miss you”. I don’t think I could even utter that, and the closest thing I landed on was, “What am I supposed to do now?” I’m sure he was trying to avoid the messy discussion of Feelings, as would I, and retorted with, “Scream into the void”. It wasn’t the answer I was looking for, and if anything, it made me feel like I was hanging on a breaking tree branch with my ass hanging out.

At some point, we decided to eat. Or rather he suggested we get something to eat, and I agreed despite the fact my appetite had dwindled to nothing since he broke the news to me. As I was forcing the food down, I heard “This Must Be The Place” playing. It took me a minute to recognize it. I thought he would know the track, and eager to make him think I wasn’t nearly as heartbroken as I was, I asked him if that was the track. He stated he wasn’t sure, and made a comment about 80’s music and it all sounding the same.

A track that summarized beautifully how I felt about him days after finding out he was moving felt like the universe was laughing at my expense. Here I was—making a poor attempt to bare my soul to a man I was in love with, and being stifled by a veggie burger as I tried not crying into my plate. All while this track is playing in the background. I couldn’t have been any lonelier than I was at that moment in time, and I don’t think he ever had any idea.

As the weeks passed, I decided against pleading with him to stay. He needed to do what he needed to do and chase a dream, plus I don’t think my pleas would have changed his mind. Looking back on it years later, I’m sure this plan was in motion long before we started hanging out together on a more regular basis. It was a case of bad timing.

I never wanted him to resent me and I didn’t want to seem selfish, even though I never hated being an adult more than I did then. I’d much rather have him live thousands of miles away from me and still like me than have him in the same county and hate my guts. Something about if you love them, set them free.

The track has become a reminder there is a person who represents home for me. Hopefully I make my way back one day.