Scare

There’s nothing like a good health scare to really frighten the living hell out of you, The last two and a half months I’ve been walking around as if I was dying. There were even a few times where I felt like I might be dying, but it looks like it might be my thyroid that is stupid and not regulating my hormones properly. I got some test results indicating I may have an autoimmune disorder involving my thyroid issues—which one it is, I’m not quite sure. I still have a CT scan to take to make sure it isn’t a tumor but just an enlarged thyroid.

I’m leaning towards what my mother had—hypothyroidism, which is just a fancy way of saying my thyroid is under active, but I won’t know for sure until I go back to the doctor this week. The symptoms I’ve felt over the last few years seem to fit, which at this point I chalked it up to either being lazy/and or out of shape. I have been hiding it from everyone because I didn’t want to seem like I was either of those things, and be lectured about working out more when my body was telling me “no”. I’ve had so many people complain how slow I walk. My brother always said he felt weird having me a few feet behind, as if there was a misogynistic connotation to it. Friends have also gotten frustrated with my walking speed, and instead of being honest, “I can’t physically walk faster because it causes me pain”, I have just remained silent on the issue or tried to keep up the pace despite getting winded and suffering through muscle fatigue. At least I know now I’m not lazy, it’s simply my body being fucking stupid.

I’ve missed going on long walks, and haven’t done so in years because of how much harder it has been to do them. I would just like my energy levels to get back to a point where I can walk for twenty minutes straight without having to stop and take a break. I’ve had to cater so much of my life to saving my energy levels so I could be functional on outings or be prepared for the work week. With the lack of having a car, it’s been harder to regulate this. My main focus is trying to get my energy back again. If I can get that at a normal level, it won’t feel like such an uphill battle to make lifestyle changes, like being more active (longer walks would allow me to stay out longer to take photos or taking one bus to work instead of two) and catering a diet for optimal thyroid function. With all three of those, other things should improve like my blood pressure and cholesterol levels (hypothyroidism also fucks that shit up). If I lose weight, that’s just icing on the cake.

There is relief in knowing it’s not all in my head, that there is something legitimately wrong with me. While I’m not thrilled to have this by any means, I am relieved in knowing and now I have a road map to move forward with treating it and living with it. As a spiteful bitch, I’m not going to let this thyroid shit take any bit of happiness away from me. I’ve got too much shit I still want to do.