Walk

I forgot how much I love walking. After graduating college, I was depressed and anxious because I had graduated right when the job market was still awful. It was so bad I could barely get a job at the grocery store, which is a depressing outlook for a recent college grad with a bachelor’s degree. It also marked me as an official adult, which meant I no longer had school to rely on. No longer was I on a schedule that worked best for me, which was either two full days of classes or classes that didn’t start until noon. It meant I was going to have to adhere to a full eight hour schedule that would no longer cater to my needs. It meant having a boss breathing down my neck. about work I had no interest in doing. It meant paying bills, having to move out on my own, and learning how to function as a full fledged working adult. It terrified me. For 20 years I identified as a student.

During that time frame, that anxiety and depression sat with me and had no where to go. I just needed to clear my thoughts and feel less terrible about myself. So one night I went on a walk around the neighborhood. I just walked and kept walking till I felt like there was no more neighborhood to see and things just felt clearer. From then, it became my nightly routine. My favorite time to walk was around seven at night, right before sunset in the summertime. It isn’t too hot, golden hour makes everything look beautiful, and most people are settling in for the evening so you don’t encounter much traffic except for the occasional after work jogger or someone watering their lawn.

I loved walking so much. I felt less anxious, I lost weight, I had something to look forward to during the day. I would put on my headphones and let my mind wander for an hour as I trekked along the neighborhood streets of Buena Park. For someone who is in their head a lot, it’s one of the best forms of exercise. There’s nothing better than putting your favorite music on, and gazing at your surroundings while going at a leisurely pace.

A few months later I ended up getting a part-time job delivering pizzas, so my sunset walks lessened as I spent most of my nights wandering around dark neighborhoods trying to find the correct house or battling weird men making gross comments at me. The walks came to a full halt once I got my first full time job at a call center. Being on the phone eight hours a day was mentally exhausting so by the time I got home, I was too tired to do much of anything else. For years I tried incorporating the walks into my schedule but working office jobs has just made it difficult to find the time and energy to exercise. Take into account I have been having thyroid problems for what I can presume has been years, finding the energy to do much of anything has been a fucking bitch.

But now I’m medicated, and I’m starting to feel the effects of the medication working. Last week was the first time I could walk for longer than ten minutes without stopping to take a break. I didn’t feel any muscle soreness, I was hardly tired, and it felt…good. It reminded me of those summer days after college when I would just walk aimlessly without a care in the world. Eventually I would like to get to a point where I can walk to work without relying on public transportation, but it will be a little bit before I get to that point.

I have my good days and my bad days, and I’m trying to be forgiving of myself on the bad days. I have to remember my body is changing again. Everything that has been dormant for the last few years is awakening and I’m reminded of what was lost but is now found. I have to be patient with myself. I’m just happy this medication has given this back to me. It was the one thing I wanted back—my love of walking.