It's kind of funny how you notice the smallest and most minute details when you like someone. The other day I looked at his long fingers as he was turning the pages of his book and silently wished they grazed lightly on my bare skin. Or the way he crossed his legs and leaned intently into the book he was reading, as if he were a scientist gazing into his microscope, intrigued and curious. Every time I picked up my glass to drink, he would then pick up his glass to drink. It was interesting to see him mirror my every movement.

I guess it was Fourth of July when I realized I liked him. It smacked me in the face, really. He had crept into my thoughts prior but either I was in denial or brushed it aside and gave no more thought to it. We had been drinking on the beach. He had a few Moscow Mules and beers, I was buzzed off a beer and Moscow Mule. He got to a point where he was drunk, and was more loose. I couldn't tell you at what point during the day this happened, but for five seconds I caught him gazing at me and it was a gaze I had seen before on other men--the gaze that says "I want you", the one that tells you that despite the fact there are 1,000 people surrounding us, I was the only person that existed on that beach. It unnerved me at first, then excited me. I haven't seen that gaze on him since but it was the moment he let his guard down and let me inside to see something that was solely for me.

A little while after that, I was in a circle of people just chit chatting. He came up and joined the conversation and I looked at his face as he was speaking and for the first time I noticed how blue and beautiful his eyes were. His sunglasses were folded into the top of his shirt, which pulled his shirt down slightly and you could see his chest hair peeking out. The mystery behind how much chest hair he actually had made me want to desperately investigate and solve it.

The moments between us have been getting more tense. More lingering when saying our goodbyes, trying to figure out if one of us should make a move or be respectful of one another's spaces. The other night when we had read our own books on a love seat. I've always viewed reading as a sexy activity. The intimacy of reading with a partner or love interest is baring. You can let go of everything and get involved in a book while having someone there to lean on to. It is an autonomous activity that you can still enjoy with someone without losing your sense of self. I've daydreamed about us reading books together, as silly as it sounds. It's a pleasure that is underrated. Having him near me made me feel comforted yet excited. I tried to inch closer to him without alerting the other people around us so I could grab one moment with him in a sea of people and feel his presence. He didn't re-shift and at one point inched closer to me. We got to the point where we touched elbows and it jolted me. It was a graze but it was electrifying and sexy. 

I'm not sure if he thinks about me as much as I do about him. But I hope I invade his thoughts and linger there like a haunting dream.

Lorde is probably one of the very few mainstream pop idols I listen to regularly or even like. I first listened to Pure Heroine three years ago and I realized I had the capability to relate to a 16 year old girl at the age of 24. I'm still not the biggest fan of "Royals". I heard it too many times on the radio when I delivered pizzas and I grew sick of the song quickly, but everything else on that album is worthy.

I like listening to her music when I'm feeling the most carnal emotions. Her lyrics hit the core of what it's like to be young and to feel so intensely. Everything is new and every thing is a fresh wound. Hormones, stress, anxiety, lust--there's nothing like being 16 and the unknown of how everything operates, especially your own psyche.

The other night I was driving home after hanging out with friends. It was almost 10 at night and I had to be in bed to get to work the next day. It was still humid and my skin felt sticky and Lorde's "400 Lux" came on. I had a smile plastered on my face and it felt like the perfect song to end the evening:

“I love these roads where the houses don’t change (and I like you)
Where we can talk like there’s something to say (and I like you)
I’m glad that we stopped kissing the tar on the highway (and I like you)
We move in the tree streets
I’d like it if you stayed”

A new crush had just developed. Or it was developed and I barely came to the realization it was a crush. It's been a slow boil but it's heating up, so to speak. It's still in the early stages where we are still sensing each other, figuring out this cluster fuck of a mess. I guess I'm waiting for bigger signs to confirm my suspicions but I have a feeling he may like me, too. It excites me, but it also makes me insecure that this may all be in my head. I never know with these things. It's the first man I've felt giddy about in a long time and I'm savoring the butterflies-in-the-pit-of-my-stomach feelings and every-time-I-think-about-him-I-smile moments. Crushes are lovely for that. Occasionally I find myself steering into the less wholesome thoughts--like me on top of him, making out on his couch. Or dirtier things. I recently went to his place for the first time so it's easier to imagine these things when I have a particular setting to reference from.

I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this, but I'm also unsure where this crush will lead. Maybe nowhere. Maybe a date. Or the reality of the situation, which rarely works in my favor. I guess that's what makes the intensity of these emotions more palpable. The potential of the situation.

Online dating and dating apps have ruined the mystery of dating, of figuring out whether or not you genuinely like someone. When you go on a date from one of these sources you already know the very least they want to do is fuck you. It takes the intrigue away, in a sense. This is probably why I feel like I'm 16 all over again, where I'm treading the water to see where I land. This isn't a random guy I met online with an innocuous screen name, but it's a person I've gotten to know the past six months with no romantic intention. Well, for the first six months at least.

Crushes are weird. Things are weird. Life is weird. I'm just trying to navigate the weirdness relatively unscathed. I'm not sure if I'll get there but I'll enjoy what is going on for right now and figure out the details at a later date.