I just got my very first "Save The Date" from a good friend of mine I've known since middle school. I'm happy for her and I think the fellow she's marrying is a good guy and a good fit, but my stance on marriage hasn't changed. In fact, it hasn't changed since middle school. 

-------------

I was never the girl who had grand plans for marriage or planned my wedding for the future. In fact, those thoughts never came into my head at all and if they did, it was just a strange thought to think of myself spending the rest of my life with another human being. It just seemed odd. 

Marriage was something my parents never talked to me about. Or having children. If anything, my parents were more concerned about me and my brother graduating high school and going off to college. Understandable, since they were both high school drop outs. Plus, I had more interesting things on my brain, like making movies and playing with my brother's Hot Wheels. Wedding dresses and flowers just seemed so blasé.

My parents ended up divorcing when I was 11, which caught me and my brother off guard. I had never seen my parents fight and they seemed to be so happy. Little did I know what was going on behind closed doors and that was my dad's doing--he was really good at keeping stuff like that away from me and my brother. It was after their divorce that made me challenge the idea of marriage--a certificate doesn't make a relationship permanent. 

As I went into my teen years, as angsty as ever, I decided I would never get married. Why go through all the hassle of getting married when there was a good possibility it wasn't going to last? And if by some chance I did find the person I was meant to be with, I didn't need a piece of paper saying that person was my soulmate. Relationships constantly change and are in flux--marriage is not impervious to those changes. 

I told my friends this. Some of them understood, some of them didn't and others were in the same boat I was. Shortly before my mother had passed I told her I was planning to never get married. Her response? "That's really smart". I told my dad my plans, too. When I was alone in the car with him, he stated marriage was stupid and the only good perk were the tax breaks otherwise it was pointless. Of course he didn't say anything to challenge that when my step-mom found out I had no intention to walk down the aisle. I got the typical "You say that now, but wait till you get older!" 

Who knows? Maybe I will change my mind and find that one person I want to spend the rest of my life with and throw caution to the wind and get married. It's not something I am actively looking for and right now, it is hardly desirable. Not to mention my track record with men has been less than stellar. I would first have to find a guy who would manage to stay interested in me for more than ten minutes. I don't think I have the capability to keep a man captivated if I'm speaking honestly. 

I try to keep my stance on marriage quiet. I have a lot of friends now who want the marriage, 2.5 kids, a dog, a mini van and a white picket fence. I applaud them for what they want, and I'll be endlessly supportive if that's what's going to make them happy. But I know that's not what's going to make ME happy. The last thing I want to be is that wet blanket who complains about the institution of marriage at some party, where I end up pissing off half the guests and being labeled a bitter woman. I'm not going to make people feel like shit just because their wants are different from my own. If they ask me about getting married, I'll respond truthfully but I won't volunteer my opinion. 

It would be nice to have a companion to spend my years with, growing old and raising a whole mess of Corgis together (I'm going to need the help cleaning all that fucking dog hair). But it's something I'm not holding my breath for. Right now I want to focus on my writing and trying to one day make my own movie. I'm being selfish right now because I can; I have nothing tying me down and I can do and go wherever I please.

I do imagine a guy, somewhere in the background, keeping me company throughout my adventures. He doesn't have a face, hair color, height, weight--he's just a thing that's around when I need him and away when I don't. And that's about as much as I think about when it comes to marriage.