The guy I recently dated sent me a text last night. He said his step-dad hung himself. I was in shock. We only dated for a couple of months and I never got around to meeting his step-dad, but I was fully aware of the complicated history surrounding his step-dad. It came out of left field, like any suicide. 

I've been in a fog all day. Like this isn't reality, but rather just some weird state that exists outside of reality. Nothing feels real. My ex is obviously distraught and I've been talking to him off and on today. I don't know what to say to him.

I am fully aware of what it's like to lose a parent, I have been the one who has heard "I'm sorry" from countless people,

I know what you want to hear and don't want to hear after something tragic like that happens.

I know the feeling of wanting to be around people but not wanting to talk to anyone.

Yet I don't know what to do.

I keep offering my condolences, my sympathy and my help while trying to keep some semblance of distance. It's just...weird. 

My friend said his day sucked yesterday because he got a parking ticket, and my dad asked me about what I wanted to do for my birthday, which is two weeks away. I just kept thinking how insignificant and meaningless all of this shit is. How nothing matters and death is inevitable. Of course I tried to act as normal as possible to my friend and dad and kept these things to myself, but it bugged me.

Suicide has always been that weird thing for me. The decision for one to end their own life always gave me pause. What goes through one's brain when they decide to end it all. The pain and suffering one feels where they consciously decide their life is no longer worth living and that the world would be better off without them. It's sad, it's erie and it happens more frequently than one would think. The dark, sad, lonely place his step-father must have been in to do something like that is just mind boggling. 

With all this, came unresolved issues with my own mother's death. Things I buried when she passed four years ago. Re-living the day when I found out about her death. Everything associated with her is bringing back painful memories. Remnants I thought I left behind in the dust of that experience. Debris I thought I swept back into that deep, dark place. The guilt, the anger, the pain--all of it has come back to rear its ugly head. 

It's weird; A man I never met has affected me so profoundly. His death has brought so much to light and it feels so self-centered to even be thinking about all of this shit that has nothing to do with me. My ex is going through hell right now and all I can think about are my dumb hang ups.