Impasse

I got a fish from my co-worker last week. It looked unwell, as it stayed at the bottom of the tank most of the day and didn't eat. I named him Federico after Fellini because I'm a lame-ass bitch. It was a Betta and I don't think my co-worker took well care of it. I think it was mainly because she didn't know you had to take care of it a certain way--Bettas are sensitive to their environment. When I got it, she kept it in a tiny glass bowl and would use bottled water to fill its environment which are really big no-no's for Bettas. By the time I got it, it looked like it was on the verge of dying. I still tried to take as great care of it as I possibly could, but I think the stress of the new environment was too much; it was dead by the time I got home today. I haven't had the heart to flush it down the toilet or clean the tank. 

These days I feel as if my life is an entire impasse. I have lost my confidence and find myself on unsteady footing. I'm insecure and the main cause of it is my work situation. Ever since we were bought out, things have been changing and its been for the worst. The job I originally had is really no longer the same job as before. More responsibilities have been added to my plate, which I wouldn't mind if I were properly compensated. The thing is, I'm not making enough to stress out about this job. It's slowly becoming my previous job before this--everything is based off numbers and output. I'm no longer a human doing this job, but rather another cog in this ugly machine that takes advantage of people who can't afford to fight back but rather stay at their shitty job because they have no choice. I no longer have pride in my work and this whole week I've been withdrawn--co workers are now taking notice. Mistakes i have made have been pointed out to me and I just don't give a fuck like I used to. These days I'm just trying to get through the day without walking out the door. Last week I overheard my manager talking to one of the former owners about how angry and annoyed she was by this transition. Granted, she's only been back a month since her maternity leave but it gave me comfort knowing she wasn't happy with the new arrangement. Everyone else there isn't happy either but they just accept it willingly. 

Friends have been throwing job applications at me and I've been applying ravenously. A member/chair person of my DSA chapter offered herself as a reference and told me to apply to UCI where she currently works, which was awfully sweet of her. I know I can get one of these jobs and at this point I'm aching to get the hell out of my current situation. I think that's why I'm so miserable. 

If anything, this transition has unveiled the ugliness of the previous owner's faults. There were a lot of safety issues--and I do mean A LOT that put not only the people in the office at risk, but also the men that work out in the warehouse. The men in the warehouse are minorities, and many of them don't speak English. It infuriates me as the men out in the shop were being taken advantage of under our previous owner's guidance--as if their lives didn't matter and while I have no idea how much they get paid, I can't imagine it is a living wage, especially for the kind of work they do. Before the new ownership, many didn't have papers. I'm sure those employees have been let go. It's as if I am receiving the worst of both worlds. 

I'll get another job. I'll get another fish. I'll find my groove again. I just need to be patient.