Mess

Everything is a mess currently. 

My room is a mess. My bed hasn't been made in over a week, there are a clutter of papers on my desk. I have trash that needs to be taken out, tupperware that needs to be cleaned, sheets that need to be washed, 35mm film from my trip to Vancouver over a month ago that needs to be developed. 

My car is a mess. Old receipts that I used as tissue to spit my phlegm in when I had a cold six months ago linger in the front seat of my car. Clothing, yoga mats and other garbage are thrown into the back seat with little to no regard. The exterior hasn't been washed in a year. My dashboard is dusty and the seats could probably be vacuumed and steam cleaned.

My bathroom is a mess. It hasn't been cleaned in...I couldn't tell you how long. There's a weird film forming on the inside of my toilet bowl. Water spots and other gunk are caked on to the mirrors. The counter tops feel rough to the touch. Strands of hair can be found all over the floor, along with the bathmats that haven't been washed in...well, let's not go there.

My mind is a mess, but it's always a mess in there. My mind can't function at work because it's thinking about how much it hates work. I have grown feelings for people (or just a certain person) I probably shouldn't have feelings for. At least I think they're feelings. It's SOMETHING and I don't like it. But then I do like it. I also have feelings for someone I have only met once months ago and haven't seen since. It's a crush but when I crush, I crush HARD ("I don't want to be a player no more..."). Then I have weird feelings for people who have been out of my life for months now and I don't know how to go about dealing with that. If I go back, I risk losing all the good progress I've made. If I don't go back, I lose a good friend and have a hole in my heart for a friendship that really could have been.

I need to de-clutter, to clean, to throw things away from my past and make room for my future. But I just don't want to deal with it right now. I want to put it out of my mind, but certain things, songs, people, ideas keep bringing me back to my problems--that everything in my life is currently a fucking mess.