Lost in the Middle of Chaos

I feel lost. Extremely lost. Like I’m in the middle of a sand storm, with dust, sand, and debris flying everywhere. Nothing is visible, there is no clear path but there is a lot happening all around me. I’m anxious, nervous, and I want to crawl out of my skin. Everyone seems to have clearer paths—most of my close friends and family are already vaccinated and making plans. Meanwhile, I’m still stuck indoors sans vaccine. Eligibility will open next week but based off of how difficult it will be to get a vaccine, with my luck I’ll still be stuck here months after everyone has planned trips, meet-ups. It’s the fear of being abandoned, left behind, alone. Instead of looking at everyone’s vaccination pictures, I’m in seclusion, sulking.

But that’s not why I feel lost, I’m just pissed about that.

For the first time in a year, I can actually start to make plans. During quarantine I day dreamed about all the places I wanted to visit, activities I could participate in again, the dreams I wanted to fulfill once I was vaccinated. Well, the day is coming closer to where that will be a possibility and now…I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. These “dreams” I had while I spent day after day stuck in my cracker box of a studio was what kept me going and now that it can become a reality, I’m not sure I want it anymore. I’d like a sign—better yet, I want someone to shake me like an Etch-A-Sketch, point me in a direction, give me a slight push, whisper in my ear and say, “GO!”

Is it the fear of failing that has me feeling like I’m trapped in a dust bowl?

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I had a job interview a couple of weeks ago. It went well, a position that paid more, but something didn’t feel right. It was between me and another person and at the last second I withdrew myself from the pool. I was so eager to get out of my job and when I finally had a chance to abandon one ship to go on another, I couldn’t.

Maybe it’s getting back into the Real World jitters that has me apprehensive about every decision I make as if it’s the last decision I can freely make. I felt like I was making such progress within the past few months in regards to my depression and anxiety. Within a matter of a few days I feel like I’m unraveling again. I don’t want to go backwards, but fuck, I also don’t want to be visible in this world anymore. Right now I just dream about leaving to some random place and disappearing.

What the fuck am I doing? What do I even want? Am I a big fucking failure?

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I’m sitting in my room, in the dark, listening to Joy Division, playing out every corny cliche. There’s something soothing listening to Ian Curtis croon in my ear:

Oh how I realized how I wanted time,
Put into perspective, tried so hard to find,
Just for one moment I thought I'd found my way.
Destiny unfolded, I watched it slip away.

Now there’s a man who seemed to have it all figured out, then had nothing figured out, then figured it out again once he realized he couldn’t figure it out.

I don’t know why I romanticized his death for so long. Suicide, weirdly enough, is actually pretty fucking depressing. Who would’ve guessed?

What if what I’m feeling isn’t me second guessing myself, my dreams? What if my biggest fear is being happy?