Inward

I have so many thoughts screeching in my head, colliding with one another creating a jumbled mess in my brain. Do I begin with the epiphany I had about myself—that maybe I’m not looking for someone to put up with me but rather for someone who is strong enough to be with me? That maybe I found that person but I’m afraid that they’re not strong enough to deal with me as a whole—warts and all? That they would bail immediately when it got too tough?

Or how I just constantly underestimate myself, which prevents me from ever doing anything because of my debilitating fear of failure that plagues me on a moment to moment basis? That I probably could have studied chemistry or physics or calculus if I actually put in the work and studied a bit harder. Maybe I could have a respectable career instead of this middling life in various admin positions? I’ve proven to myself that I am a fast learner and can pick up random skills at a given time. What could have stopped me from having a career in STEM other than the voice in my head that has told me I’m too fucking stupid to pick up anything scientific or mathematical? Maybe I am a smart cookie, I just short change myself because society has told me because I’m a girl, I’m automatically bad at this stuff. Or my family fawning over my brother who constantly got high test scores while I struggled to learn how to talk until I was four years old and was regarded as “slow”.

This anger that has somehow manifested itself over the past few weeks continues to grow with no signs of subsiding. I have to wonder if it’s self loathing or sexual frustration. Vying for something I can’t have, or for reasons I am unable to have and have just resorted to withdrawing completely. I’ve withdrawn myself from the entire world, and I wonder if the anger that has turned inward and developing into a depression. I could say I’m surprised no one has asked me if I’m okay, but I blend in with the scenery so beautifully no one really knows I exist.

I have no idea what’s going on with me and I’m trying to figure this out on my own in a quiet fashion but all I want to do is scream at the edge of a cliff and hear my screams echo back to me a solution to this ire I feel in my heart.