Today I had a FaceTime session with some really good friends of mine and then a quick catch-up session with my dad. Yesterday my brother reached out and wanted to make tentative plans to hang out and I said I would definitely be down to do so. I love talking with them, but after I spoke with my dad I felt melancholy. Maybe it’s the hormones but I think I have a tendency to forget that there are people who love and care about me in the world. I spend 99% of my time alone—I live alone, do activities alone, host a podcast alone, spend my weekends alone, travel alone. I think because I’m alone so often, I forget there are other people in my life who actually love me. I get tunnel vision and somehow block everything else in the world. When things go wrong, the first thing I think about is “how am I going to get through this?” and the last thing I think about are the people in my life who would be willing to help me. Maybe it’s a side effect of being independent, I’m not quite sure. I don’t need constant contact with the loved ones in my life, but it’s also this bad case of “out of sight, out of mind” thing that I suffer from.

Cynicism gets the best of me. I just assume I’m eternally fucked if something were to completely go awry in my life because if I’m unable to do it myself, it would be impossible to do unless I asked for help. I’m still working on that “asking for help” thing. There are good people in the world, good people in my life, but I just don’t want to be anyone’s burden. I sometimes look at when people do GoFundMes or post payment links when they run into a rough patch financially and are asking for help. I am always happy to give but I could never do that for myself. I just don’t have that much trust or faith in humanity to think I’m important enough to save.