Ambush

I had a night terror last night. I don’t get them very often, only when I’m stressed out will they take me by surprise. I don’t like to talk about them all too often, it’s a side effect from my multiple sexual assaults and they usually involve an assault on either my body or my mind. A lot of the things that have scared me the most have been the dreams I’ve had. But I haven’t been stressed lately so what gives?

Oh yes. The incident at the bus stop.

Yesterday morning I was at the bus stop. It was pretty late but what else is new? I noticed a homeless man on the bus stop bench. He appeared to be pretty out of it and smelled of Tecate. I figured he was recovering from a rough night or kept the party going until the morning. He had a blanket wrapped around him. I just went to the other side of the bench and prepared for the bus to arrive, which involved: getting my app up, putting on my mask, and Googling the bus route.

Through my peripheral, I could see the homeless man making a motion that appeared as if he was jerking off. I took a quick glance to my right and it appeared as if he was or at the very least trying. I felt awkward and gross. I was by myself. I didn’t know what to do or how to react, so I went into the group chat and stated what I was witnessing, just typing stuff until the bus arrived. The group chat I’m in is solely women and non-binary folks so they were quick on their feet and asked me what was the last thing that I ate that I found to be delicious. For ten minutes I went on about a cornbread cookie I had that left an impression on me. It was enough of a distraction to get me to work safely.

When I arrived to work, I pushed it aside like every other traumatic event I have experienced, and pretended it didn’t happen. I came home, edited, watched some Netflix and ate—acting as if my day started normally and nothing bad happened. I never processed the incident, which I am beginning to see is a bad habit.

So no surprise this traumatic event would come alive in my dreams in that same evening. It was night time and I was walking by myself in the parking lot when a random man ambushed me and attempted to either a) rape me and/or b) kill me. It was one of those night terrors where I tried to scream out for help but I was paralyzed. I may have screamed out, “Please someone help me!” in the real world as well as the dream world. I woke up, having fallen asleep listening to Emma Ruth Rundle, my heart beating fast, scared as hell, wishing I could sleep like a normal person.