Bring It On Home

Laura Palmer played by Sheryl Lee in Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me (dir. David Lynch, 1992)

For the past couple of weeks I have been doing a mini series on the pod about David Lynch and his films, specifically what his films say about American life. So far it’s been a lot of fun, and great to re-watch these films. I’m a huge fan of Lynch but his films aren’t necessarily ones you go back to repeatedly to watch due to the content and how heavy it can be. I had a rough idea of what I would talk about for each episode. I knew when the Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me episode came about, it was going to be rough, but manageable. I did a content warning before starting the episode, but I think the content warning should have been aimed towards myself.

The last ten minutes of the episode was me talking about Laura Palmer’s relationship with James and Donna, specifically how these are two people who she trusts and cares about deeply and vice versa, however due to the numerous abuses she has suffered it makes it hard for her to let these two people completely in. Because of this, she finds herself severed from the rest of the world as she builds a fortress around her for self protection, preventing even loved ones from entering.

When I was discussing this, consciously I wasn’t referring to myself, but as I continued my explanation I came to the realization that I was actually talking about myself. In my bid to appear strong, I have in turn become a tragic character who has cut herself off from the rest of the world. The shame that comes with being a sexual assault survivor is the inevitable loneliness you feel that the rest of the world will never understand your pain.

I knew opening this wound in therapy earlier this year would excise some demons I have been too afraid to face. I’ve been slowly uncovering one by one, and I don’t think I’m even close to finding all of them that have been in hiding for two decades. Each one is a new surprise, a ghostly figure that goes “Boo” when I least expect it.

I’m trying to figure out if talking about it more is hurting or helping, and right now I am so lost in this dark forest I can’t even tell anymore.